I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
