This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
