This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
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He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
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It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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