I love black thongs
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
