Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
she told me i tasted like america
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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