I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
