Just cropdusted the office
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
