It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
