How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
wow bdsm is so cute
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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