he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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