Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
