My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
