I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
