you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
