god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
