i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
