you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
