i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
