Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
