theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
