My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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