I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
