she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
