I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
