all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
