hotel room ftw
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
