i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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