Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
