You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
