Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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