Do you still have your period?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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