Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
