I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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