My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year