Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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