how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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