i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
