when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
