As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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