Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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