So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
