He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
