I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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