Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
