the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
