You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
