just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
