i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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