I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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