I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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