The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
