so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
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I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
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No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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