I think scott just propositioned me for sex
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
