Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
