Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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